Obviously not. But as I sat in this woman's office, listening to her say these really inappropriate things to me on a Friday afternoon, a little thought twinkled at the edge of my very worried brain. Four weeks earlier, I had thought this woman was the cat's meow. I couldn't wait to work for her. As freaked out as I was by what she said, it dawned on me that there was something very very important for me to learn from this moment.
It just so happened that I took this job after a nine-month succession of failed attempts to stay employed. Each attempt had been a "God-send" when it first came along. But within a few weeks of starting each job, I felt frustrated and resentful toward each boss, each colleague and each task required of me. And sure enough, within a few months or even weeks, I was asked to leave.
Now, here I was, experiencing the same shift, but this time it was so dramatic and so sudden, that it showed me something I hadn't wanted to think about before. Whenever a job hadn't worked out in the past, I always blamed the external situation--the boss was a micro-manager, the boss was too laissez-faire, they didn't pay me enough, there was too much to do, not enough to do...the list goes on. But sitting in this woman's office, having her reveal her undeniably crazy and inappropriate management style made me realize that the common denominator at all these jobs was me.
That weekend, as I looked back along my immediate job history, I saw that every time I left one job for another, the situation seemed to get worse. Now, here I was, listening to my boss tell me I belonged in the looney bin. It was a blessing because there was no debate. Everyone I talked to agreed that she was nuts. It turned out to be a tremendous relief. Finally, I felt no guilt or blame...after all, she was the crazy one, right? But I also knew that something inside me had chosen this job situation--the craziest yet in my crazy job history. If I quit this job, I thought to myself, how much worse would the next one be?
I decided to do whatever I could to stay in the current frying pan (instead of jumping to the next fire) until I had grown into the ability to function in a healthy work environment. I suspected that if I grew enough, the conditions at the job that played into my low self-esteem and neediness would melt into something. I finally understood that no matter how many times I tried to run away, I always took my own crazy issues with me.
And so, I began my program of education. I met with friends to get spiritually centered every weekday morning at 7:30am before work. I called other friends before work, after work and during breaks. I analyzed the text of every piece of feedback my crazy boss lady screamed, purred or whined (her mood swings were notorious) to see where she might be telling me something about myself that I needed to know.
When she screamed that her teenage daughter was more organized than I was with files and papers, a friend I told about it recommended picking up Driven to Distraction, a book with clear, actionable strategies for managing Attention Deficit Disorder. (Regardless of whether or not I was an official candidate for diagnosis, the simple principles helped me organize my work A LOT.)
When she yelled at me that I was lazy and that I should be making 40 cold calls per day, I started tracking and reporting my calls to her. I played a fun game with myself to see how many more than 40 calls I could make in a day. One day, I got as high as 56.
And then, there were the countless hours of training she gave me on how to remain calm in the face of insanity. She didn't know she was doing this, of course. But a lot of my friends reminded me over and over that I had a right to my own inner peace whether she was acting like a crazy person or not.
It was VERY DIFFICULT to remain calm when she got upset in the immediate aftermath of her initial attack. I was terrified that she would fire me. But my friends kept inviting me to imagine remaining calm in response to her outbursts and then literally ACT AS IF that behavior was natural to me. Often this involved sitting on my shaking hands and pursing my trembling lips as I attempted to remain stoic in the face of her raging.
I began to say little prayers to remind myself that I was safe no matter what, that the office was NOT a war zone, that if I got uncomfortable I could always leave the room without fleeing the job. Sometimes the prayers were as simple as: "God is in this doorknob, God is in this stapler, God is in this carpet, God is in this wall sconce." Sometimes I would touch objects just to ground myself in my own body, in the present moment. When she became particularly insane in staff meetings, I would write affirmations to myself in tiny handwriting in the margin of my notebook: "Thank you God for the unlimited abundance you send me with grace and ease. God loves me. I love myself. Nora, I love you. You are wonderful."
Through all this, I came to understand that the intense anxiety I felt when this woman was around had nothing to do with her. The day that she told me that she loved me and blew me a kiss (after screaming at someone else that day), I felt sick to my stomach. Her unpredictable combination of love and rage was too familiar to me. I realized I had chosen her because she matched my past, my history, my trauma. And as difficult as it was to sit with the anxiety and nausea she kicked up from those past traumatic times, I didn't have to let those feelings be the source of my choices and responses in the present.
The only way I got access to new choices, however, was by staying very close to my loving, supportive friends. These were friends who listened compassionately to my feelings while reminding me that I had choices in the present. They were friends who told me stories of their own similar experiences rather than diagnosing or pathologizing what I was experiencing. With them, I felt accepted and loved even as they encouraged me to experiment with new behaviors and new beliefs in myself.
One friend often told me, "Nora, you are an adult. You're not a hostage the way you were in your home growing up. You can always renegotiate. You can always change your mind. You never have to accept unacceptable behavior." Thanks to this boss, I spent a lot of time discovering and defining what unacceptable behavior actually was.
Six months into the job, the second-level boss stormed into my office after an argument with our crazy boss lady. "She's so crazy! How do you stay so calm when she's around?!?!"
I looked behind me...was she talking to me? Who was this calm person she spoke of?
"I mean seriously," she went on, "if she upsets you, none of us can tell. It's like you're the only one who can deal with her!"
I went home that night and called a bunch of friends. "You've put in a lot of hard work," they told me, "you're learning to stay calm and take care of yourself no matter what's happening outside you. That's growth."
Within a month, I had begun interviewing for what would become my next job. Unlike this one, where I interviewed and accepted the job offer on the same day, that interview process took about two months. It was worth it to go slowly...to get to know the people I would be working with over time...to see that they could be trusted...to find that we enjoyed each others' company.
Leaving the crazy boss lady brought its own challenges. But, as I flexed my now well-trained re-framing muscles to see these challenges as more growth opportunities, my old friend fear melted into adventure, discovery, humility and gratitude.
I hope I never forget the lessons this woman taught me. I look back now and see how much she must have been suffering in order to behave the way she did. And I'm grateful that, in the extremity of her insanity, she gave me the opportunity to focus on taking responsibility for my own feelings and reactions ways that continue to propel me on a path of healing and growth.
What insane people and situations can you welcome as your teachers today?
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