Didn't he know we were supporting one of the most important people in my life on the other side of that door? Didn't he know we had to be serious, firm and focused as the people in the workshop we had all taken before got their own taste of transformation? The look on his face was clear. He did not know.
I focused on listening to the people on the other side of the door. My loved one's voice was crystal clear. He was struggling with the exercise. They all were. I clenched harder, willing them relax and open up. They struggled even more. I turned back to the man at my side. He was still annoyingly jovial. "We all have to get more vulnerable. It's our energy that makes it possible for them to have the breakthrough. What are you holding onto? What can you give up that's keeping you defensive and on your guard?"
He smiled at me. "I'm all good," he said with a grin, "I did the exercise they're doing a long time ago. I love listening to it now." Dammit. Maybe he wasn't an idiot. Well, even if he was, a little voice in my head reminded me, my job is to look at my stuff, not his. All right, maybe I could try that. Whatever I was doing didn't seem to be helping anyone.
"OK," I said, "I guess I can look to see if there's anything I'm holding onto." I thought for a minute. "I'm holding onto being right and believing everyone else is doing it wrong. I'm letting go of that right now." As I said the words, I could feel my forehead relax. I looked around. When did the other people standing with us get such friendly, gentle looks on their faces?
But the people inside the room were still stuck. I took a deep breath. "And I'm still holding onto fear and anger about the man in the room, about the way he was with me when I was a child, about the ways I feel like he didn't give me what I needed, doesn't give me what I need now. I...," my voice trembled, "I'm letting go of that now."
My companion took my hands in his. "You're safe now," he said, "you don't have to be afraid. He's here now. You're here now. It's a beautiful thing right now." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. More words were lining up to be said in the back of my throat. Could I tell this stranger the secret I was holding onto? I closed my eyes and bowed my head. Thoughts of the people on the other side of the door fell away. I looked up at my new friend as he held my hands.
"And, I'm holding onto fear about a man I'm seeing right now. I'm afraid things aren't going to work out. I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid I'll always be rejected. That I'll always be abandoned by men, just the way I was when I was a child." He said nothing. My next words came slowly.
"I'm letting go of that now.
"I'm letting go of being afraid of men.
"I'm letting go of trying to control what happens in dating.
"I'm letting go of worrying that every man will abandon me."
He smiled.
"I'm giving it all to God.
"If it's meant to be for the two of us, it will happen.
"If it doesn't happen, that means God has something better in store for both of us. I'm sending him blessings right now."
My new friend's smile widened. "You're safe now," he said. "You're a beautiful woman and you're safe. You can let go." The music in the room swelled. Tears tugged at the corners of my eyes.
Suddenly, the men on the other side of the door were singing--proudly, openly, vulnerably. Another man who had been talking quietly with two others on our side of the door took a step toward me. "Nora, it worked!" His face beamed with amazement. "They got the breakthrough when I chose to let go!" My cheeks melted into a smile. "Me too," I said, "me too."
Just then, the doors opened. It was time to come together.
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