Trusting the Anger

So many of us feel guilty when we express anger. Often, this guilt is rooted in messages we received as children that our feelings, especially feelings of anger, fear, sadness or dissatisfaction would bring shame, rage, abuse, rejection, abandonment, and emotional blackmail from the adults in our lives. Ironically, these adults rarely knew how to healthfully and responsibly express their own angry feelings. Instead, these people were usually the sort who "acted out" from anger, either by raging or by seeking to punish and control others with judgment and shame.

When I let go of the guilt I associate with my anger, I discover that each time I get angry, it gives me an opportunity to listen to myself at a deeper level. My anger shows me new information about what I find unacceptable. After a childhood where I had to learn to hide my distaste for behavior that I now consider unacceptable, it is a liberation to discover that it is safe for me to say no to behaviors I don't like. The neat part is that when I pay attention to what I don't like, it gives me the opportunity to discover what I do like. It always helps me to listen to the clarity my anger brings and to listen to the people I respect for guidance on how to make slight shifts in my choices so that I can have better experiences.

When someone we care about does something that angers us, it can be very scary. Often, we think, if we tell them we're angry, we might lose their love or lose the relationship itself. But if we're willing to take the risk to express anger in healthy ways, it can actually bring us to a deeper level of connection and compassion for ourselves and the people we love.

For instance, a few days ago, a friend of mine sent an email that was very upsetting to me. I called her up and said, "So-and-so, I'm calling to let you know that I love you but I'm very upset with you for sending that email. I know we will work this out, I know you didn't mean to upset me, but I'm feeling really angry."

It was an honest, open conversation. I shared what was troubling me. She shared things that had been troubling her. It was not an easy or comfortable conversation, but we both affirmed the relationship even as we discussed specific actions that we didn't like. In the end, we ended the conversation with compassion and connection. Neither one of us was bursting with the warm-fuzzies, but the honesty and commitment to growth we both expressed made the conversation feel positive even in difficult moments.